08-01-2013, 06:26 AM
Thanks everyone for the crits, spot on. This one's sort of along the same lines as the TV poem I recently posted (though that one's more personal for me). All in all, I'm getting a bit tired of listening to myself complaining about things. I'll try to edit some of the problems in this and add on a revision... though fair warning, I'm not yet used to revising things right away (if anything, I try again with another version a year later).
Also, I probably should have left out the sarcastic quiz comment, sorry about that. Beatles, and James Clerk Maxwell, though the line needs work because I doubt Maxwell had anything to do with things "fluorescent" (maybe he did, I didn't check).
darkblue- I actually didn't mean it to be as inaccessible as it came out to be. Sofas and CD racks are there for the same reason that my flat screen and vase are: I was in my living room during twilight (which has sofas, CD racks, a flat screen... yes, could've been more poetic). Impotent sunlight describes the twilight and is not meant to be negative. “They” in line three refers (badly) to the sofas and CD racks.
billy- thanks again for taking a look here. You (and tectak) give me too much credit with the cones reference (yes, eyes). Just before posting, I realized I should use that line to compare action potentials to electric current, but I didn't do that, so all that line means is "Just before I stop seeing color". Polarize is only there because I thought "hyperpolarize" would be too technical (no connection with how light is polarized). Yeah, those street lamps aren't the right size.
tectak- ugh, spelling will forever be my downfall, I blame Linux spellcheck. The intro isn't very good, will try to revise. You give me too much credit with the physics. Aside from the cones (which I didn't handle well), Maxwell, Orsted, and AC, there's no other physics references here (fissile material was just poetic, and lazy I'll admit).
Also, I probably should have left out the sarcastic quiz comment, sorry about that. Beatles, and James Clerk Maxwell, though the line needs work because I doubt Maxwell had anything to do with things "fluorescent" (maybe he did, I didn't check).
darkblue- I actually didn't mean it to be as inaccessible as it came out to be. Sofas and CD racks are there for the same reason that my flat screen and vase are: I was in my living room during twilight (which has sofas, CD racks, a flat screen... yes, could've been more poetic). Impotent sunlight describes the twilight and is not meant to be negative. “They” in line three refers (badly) to the sofas and CD racks.
billy- thanks again for taking a look here. You (and tectak) give me too much credit with the cones reference (yes, eyes). Just before posting, I realized I should use that line to compare action potentials to electric current, but I didn't do that, so all that line means is "Just before I stop seeing color". Polarize is only there because I thought "hyperpolarize" would be too technical (no connection with how light is polarized). Yeah, those street lamps aren't the right size.
tectak- ugh, spelling will forever be my downfall, I blame Linux spellcheck. The intro isn't very good, will try to revise. You give me too much credit with the physics. Aside from the cones (which I didn't handle well), Maxwell, Orsted, and AC, there's no other physics references here (fissile material was just poetic, and lazy I'll admit).