Debt

[tectak]

Revision

The saxophones have found her home and slither in,
running riot on the quiet of her body.
There’s an empty ring within the silver tin
and one candle lights the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase the arrow for some precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.

It’s closing time in the Gardens of The West
and we can’t afford the servants any longer.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga;
and as foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder.

Original


The saxophones have found her home and slither in
to run riot on the quiet of her body.
Forefingers and thumbs stretch a pliant skin,
she grows wet in the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.
It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga.
While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter,
he’s in the queue for Adjustment Disorder.

Hi ray,
I'm disinclined to wade into this one. When the machinations over meaning become the over riding crit I think it's time to recollect your concept and ask a question. What am I (you) hoping to demonstrate to the readers of this piece...meaning or method?
Poetically, I have a great difficulty in assessing poetry without giving regard to both. In this piece, I read your words and weep. What a waste of concept. It is just NOT clear enough to see through. The whole thing becomes a cloak over clarity. The cloak is a fine piece of work...rich in texture, multi colored, shot through with threads of gold and beatifully patterned; but what the hell is it covering?
End of metaphor coming...thin out the language so that we get more of a glimpse of what is beneath.
Optionally, it is a concept re-write. The very worst action is continued editing by picking away at the threads until holes appear.
Best,
tectak