Debt

[billy]

hi ray, (thanks for leaving feedback elsewhere )

after a few reads of the sonnet i felt there was a general problem with the meter. some of the rhymes also felt awkward, body study, globe vogue, daughter disorder. not sure if they'd pass as half rhymes but in general i'd say aim for full rhyme if you can. some good consonance and alliteration thread through the poem.
there's a lot going on and i think i missed most of it, i wonder if the ride could be more apparent.

Revision

The saxophones have found her home and slither in,great opening line and image
running riot on the quiet of her body.
There’s an empty ring within the silver tin
and one candle lights the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase the arrow for some precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.

It’s closing time in the Gardens of The West
and we can’t afford the servants any longer.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga;
and as foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder. this line feels trite/forced.

Original


The saxophones have found her home and slither in
to run riot on the quiet of her body.
Forefingers and thumbs stretch a pliant skin,
she grows wet in the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.
It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga.
While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter,
he’s in the queue for Adjustment Disorder.