07-30-2013, 08:35 PM
Mostly very good, I think. Laughing at the aristocracy is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, but needs must.
I don't find the Graham Greene quote especially apt.
I'd run the title into the start of the poem
To Be English
is to be the shadow of an Empire,
or the depressed brown grass that remains - "or" isn't necessary.
Our lords and ladies,
once kept from the public like sacred relics -
meant to be admired but nothing else,
are flashing their artefacts, for a price,
in a shallow attempt at faux-siblinghood
"from the public" has a better flow, I think.
Isn't it "artefacts"? "at us" could be cut.
Do you need "faux"? shallow attempt gives the gist.
I'd use "unwashed hordes" for a rhyme with doors and try and avoid repeating "relics".
I like the last 3 verses less than the rest, more commentary than description. But I enjoyed the whole thing very much.
I don't find the Graham Greene quote especially apt.
I'd run the title into the start of the poem
To Be English
is to be the shadow of an Empire,
or the depressed brown grass that remains - "or" isn't necessary.
Our lords and ladies,
once kept from the public like sacred relics -
meant to be admired but nothing else,
are flashing their artefacts, for a price,
in a shallow attempt at faux-siblinghood
"from the public" has a better flow, I think.
Isn't it "artefacts"? "at us" could be cut.
Do you need "faux"? shallow attempt gives the gist.
I'd use "unwashed hordes" for a rhyme with doors and try and avoid repeating "relics".
I like the last 3 verses less than the rest, more commentary than description. But I enjoyed the whole thing very much.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.