07-30-2013, 12:50 PM
Most importantly I think, is that the poem largely consists of statements and images that are either too trite/obvious, or just too clumsy and forced to evoke any sense of genuine feeling. There doesn't feel as there's really anything much going on as a result.
In terms of rhythm, not to say that it necessarily has to have a tight metre, but you always have to give heed to how every single syllable affects the flow of line, and the poem as a whole (*especially* when you're going to try and use use devices like internal rhyme). All poetry (even prose!), no matter how abstract or loose, has to constantly take rhythm into consideration, and because this poem doesn't really seem to, most lines feel overstuffed and clumsy to read aloud.
Rhythmically (and otherwise), you have to be fairly cut-throat with what words/phrases you include and leave out. Figuring out which is probably the more difficult parts of writing poetry; as Sylvia Plath says: "You've got to go so far so fast in such a small space, you've got to burn away all the peripherals."
If one way of phrasing what you're trying to say doesn't quite fit, you don't leave it there, you have find another way of phrasing it that does, or try a different idea.
As regards to the rhyming, very often I get the feeling that you're saying things just because they rhyme with other things your saying, not because you actually want to say them. Using any structure is completely pointless if your only talking into it mindlessly rather than exploiting it as a means to get what you want get across.
In terms of rhythm, not to say that it necessarily has to have a tight metre, but you always have to give heed to how every single syllable affects the flow of line, and the poem as a whole (*especially* when you're going to try and use use devices like internal rhyme). All poetry (even prose!), no matter how abstract or loose, has to constantly take rhythm into consideration, and because this poem doesn't really seem to, most lines feel overstuffed and clumsy to read aloud.
Rhythmically (and otherwise), you have to be fairly cut-throat with what words/phrases you include and leave out. Figuring out which is probably the more difficult parts of writing poetry; as Sylvia Plath says: "You've got to go so far so fast in such a small space, you've got to burn away all the peripherals."
If one way of phrasing what you're trying to say doesn't quite fit, you don't leave it there, you have find another way of phrasing it that does, or try a different idea.
As regards to the rhyming, very often I get the feeling that you're saying things just because they rhyme with other things your saying, not because you actually want to say them. Using any structure is completely pointless if your only talking into it mindlessly rather than exploiting it as a means to get what you want get across.