Debt

[JunKai]

Revision

The saxophones have found her home and slither in,
running riot on the quiet of her body.The use of "on" in "running riot on the quiet of her body" works for me instead of "in" (as recommended in another post), which, to me, would suggest metaphoric gang rape instead of the frenzied, orgiastic foreplay I think is intended. Nice internal rhyming (saxaphones/home) and juxtaposition (riot/quiet) in an image I'd have been very pleased to have written--I can practically hear the slow, undulating sax phrasing and almost feel it on my own skin.
There’s an empty ring within the silver tin Apparently she's dodged an engagement or marriage. Suggestion: Perhaps change "There’s an empty ring" to "There’s [the] empty ring" and "within the silver tin" to "within [a] silver tin", which would emphasize the ring and de-emphasize the tin, perhaps erasing the knee-jerk question, "What tin?"
and one candle lights the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,"TEFL" stopped me dead. I assume (after a web search) you're referring to teaching English as a foreign language. If so, how about "she’s learning lap dancing and [English teaching]", which would add clarity w/ grammatical and sonic parallelism while inviting the listener/reader to begin to wonder "What kind of English teaching?"--something you clarify in the next line. Also, I believe the comma in "dancing and TEFL," doesn't belong.
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe Dart and arrow I assume refer to the same item in the poem and seem unnecessarily redundant. How about "to throw a dart in a far part of the globe and chase [it] for some precious metal”?
and chase the arrow for some precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue. Seems to me that she's planning on gold-digging in a foreign country via exotic dancing. Yes? If so, I'd like to know why there and not here?

It’s closing time in the Gardens of The West
and we can’t afford the servants any longer. She's in a bar, I'm assuming, and if so, I'm confused by the sudden pivot to inability to pay for servants as well as the change of voice from third to first (then back in the next line). You apparently want to say something about her acquired taste for luxury and her wish to continue to satisfy it overseas, but the execution misses.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga; Grammar problem w/ semicolon followed by "and"--the "and" grammatically should be stricken, but a better revision might be "...conga./ [A]s foreign eyes..."
and as foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder. Want to know more of their relationship, especially as it applies to her wishing to leave the country. I assume he knows of her plans, but not clear.

As soon as you're more clear on what you want to say and how, I think you'll craft this into quite a poem so long as you keep your audience's ignorance in mind.

Original


The saxophones have found her home and slither in
to run riot on the quiet of her body.
Forefingers and thumbs stretch a pliant skin,
she grows wet in the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.
It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga.
While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter,
he’s in the queue for Adjustment Disorder.