07-29-2013, 05:32 AM
Thanks, fellas. I'd agree there's much wrong with the poem, mostly the dissonance between the first 8 lines and last 6. I'll need to think further on that.
I've made the opening clearer, I hope.
I find some of the comments rather obtuse but I can provide footnotes if needed.
she’ll throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.
I think you might mean that she will travel far, but it isn't clear. I can't make anything out of chasing arrows or precious metal. Maybe you are saying that this sweaty girl with the stretchy skin will go where the money is as long as she is attractive? If so, this wording is terribly inefficient and unclear.
It's poetry, not science. You seem to have worked out what it means. Why the sarcasm? It helps nobody.
I've made the opening clearer, I hope.
I find some of the comments rather obtuse but I can provide footnotes if needed.
she’ll throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.
I think you might mean that she will travel far, but it isn't clear. I can't make anything out of chasing arrows or precious metal. Maybe you are saying that this sweaty girl with the stretchy skin will go where the money is as long as she is attractive? If so, this wording is terribly inefficient and unclear.
It's poetry, not science. You seem to have worked out what it means. Why the sarcasm? It helps nobody.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.