Debt

[milo]

Hello, ray. This almost reads like a sonnet that has had a bad accident with a watermelon truck. I am not sure what your intentions are with it, but if you were interested in writing a sonnet, check out the practice forums as well.

The saxophones have stolen from the silver tin
and run riot on the quiet of her body.

the silver tin is never defined or qualified in the poem in any way so it is just a distraction.

Forefingers and thumbs stretch a pliant skin
and she sweats in the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and TEFL,

This whole section feels quite wordy and awkward as well as incorrect. It reads like maybe someone is either giving this sweaty girl a massage while she studies or making a lamp shade out of her skin, but it is difficult to tell which.

she’ll throw a dart in a far part of the globe
and chase an arrow for the precious metal
while her lips and her legs remain in vogue.

I think you might mean that she will travel far, but it isn't clear. I can't make anything out of chasing arrows or precious metal. Maybe you are saying that this sweaty girl with the stretchy skin will go where the money is as long as she is attractive? If so, this wording is terribly inefficient and unclear.

It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga.

"baton is passed" is cliche. "garden of the west" means nothing to me at all. "feed a hunger" is abstract. I would say telly, but it doesn't really tell anything at all. Has the scene changed since she was studying with her sweaty stretchy skin? It seems now she is drunk, bent over and in a flimsy dress.

While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter,
he’s in the queue for Adjustment Disorder.

where did this second person suddenly come from and what is his relevance to the poem?

There are some severe issues with logic, wording, clarity and shifting scenes in this poem. I would try to strip out all of the excess verviage and say what you want to say first.