Africa

[tectak]

Edit 3

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astrayNo. Not fearlessly.It is not a brave thing you do
from one star to the next in rapid pace, with pace. not in pace. Rapid is redundant anyway. With pace IS rapid
getting lost and ending up far, far away far, far away is nursery cliche
on the night sky of a tropic place tropical. Sloppy. Word use faulty.

And under its moon so round and bold Lose the "And" by losing the whole line. It is childishly naive and makes no real point. The moon is round. Sheesh![/bc
I see shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat[b] As last time. Nonsense in that the whole metaphor lacks veracity.

These assiduous souls who own not a pen You insult the ethos you are trying to exemplify. These poor souls have far more important issues. Clean water, drugs and antibiotics, food for Pete's sake. Here, chew a bloody biro. No to this. Again, veracity issue. It just does not ring true.
– what do they do if they want to write? –....or eat, or drink or avoid disease. Dashes are used incorrectly. Brackets may be better. No.Lose the whole line. It is specious
they, who lie sleepless in a humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

I inquire the abundance on our hemisphere; I think your non-native english is letting you down. This sentence is gobbledygook. Please PM me if you want more help as I do not want to over-criticise in this "public" forum.
all our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have been taken from there WHERE?
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks Again....nonsense. Papers, pencils,scissors, erasers and books carved out of a chunk of wood? Please!

Hi,
If you cannot see the errors as detailed you need more assistance in the use of language than can be given in such a short crit. I want to help but not at the expense of the forum. It may well be your remarked upon non-native (?) tongue. Please advise.
Best,
tectak


Original

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about those who don’t own a pen
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks