07-28-2013, 11:17 PM
Nice read, difficult in parts due to an irregular metre - first line is way short, I think. "presumed to be wasted" would solve that.
that lusted at night, shining in neon thrall - not very smooth. How about - that lusted at night and shone in neon thrall?
2nd verse, lines 2 and 4 don't rhyme for some reason. gaps/sneer. gaps/gasp.
Antlike is one word. I noticed you use a lot of commas, most of which aren't necessary.
accretion would fit better than accumulation.
and an old attic composed of a first furtive kiss - this line stands out as being too long
that lusted at night, shining in neon thrall - not very smooth. How about - that lusted at night and shone in neon thrall?
2nd verse, lines 2 and 4 don't rhyme for some reason. gaps/sneer. gaps/gasp.
Antlike is one word. I noticed you use a lot of commas, most of which aren't necessary.
accretion would fit better than accumulation.
and an old attic composed of a first furtive kiss - this line stands out as being too long
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.