One more attempt

[billy]

i'll have to look at your first after this one

it's excellent for a 2nd attempt but needs lots of work, possibly too much work. the good thing is, if you listen to the feedback you get and work with it, you get exponentially better to start with. your next poem would be twice as good and the one after that 4 times as good...[but only if you take heed it when you've been doing it a few years t hat it gets bad, when you only improve minutely

good 2nd attempt

Hello members, my second attempt at poetry, feedback appreciated.

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She fades away
hopes and dreams astray
visions of her here to stay
haunting memories of a mid-summer day your first line needs to be one of freshest (non cliche) and one of the best in the poem, you want to draw the reader in. she fades away is very bland, you also need a title try and think of

a feeling never experienced before
despair, lack of ability form the metaphor
symbolizing words I chose to ignore
walk in, shut the door. at present you're batting non for 2, it's usual when your new to poetry, we tend to write what we think poetry should be, instead of writing what we really mean. if you've heard a phrase before, discard and don't use it.

feeling sorry for one's self
her belongings, lifeless on a shelf this is a decent line it creates an image in the readers mind
the questions commence
why her not someone else? this is where the poem really falls apart, it needs to something we haven't read before, you have one good line build on that, use that one line as a template.

could it be revenge?
is life here to avenge
the former souls I bothered?
cant this be existence? [can't]

suddenly it makes sense
this is it no further resistance
seek no assistance
all born equal, reality kept consistent