A poison

[milo]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

A few explanations could help, I suppose.

-The "Void" is more of a symbol of dark place.
-The "Name" (capital N) is actually an allusion to God.

I will work on the imagery of this piece though.

---

These facts may exist in your head, but NOT in the poem. If you are writing for yourself, that is fine, but if you are writing for others, you need to include that in the poem. If you want to refer to some god, why not use the actual god?