A poison

[DeviousKid45]

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,

the `Void` has all the faux poetic ominousness of http://marvel.wikia.com/The_Void. If this was a poem about a toilet and 'the void' was a brand of drain cleaner, this would be a great opening!!

For the Void has claimed a deeper power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

fancy, void, Name, deeper power - these are all abstractions. They kill poems. Use concrete, specific images for powerful poetry.


Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

this whole stanza is disposable. Your friend and the poison calling each others' names. Is your friend a turtle? Why is this poison calling her name leaving her a shell?

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,


not claimed /upon/ my heart, that means nothing in the English language. Whatever this poison is, stop calling it the poison. It is tired and redundant. Readers want specific details using fresh original language, metaphors and similes, not this tired 'poison'. The melodrama of the last line is so awful it belongs in a Taylor Swift song or something.

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

Hopes, Dreams, mercy souls - these are the cliche abstractions that kill poems. This hopes and dreams crap belongs in novice, not in serious critique.

I suggest you read some modern poetry. This is, quite frankly, awful. Every phrase is tired, old, boring. You need to find a new, creative way to say what you actually want to say with fresh new imagery and symbolism.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive, i am sure you are a great person.

HTH
Thanks for posting.

milo

A few explanations could help, I suppose.

-The "Void" is more of a symbol of dark place.
-The "Name" (capital N) is actually an allusion to God.

I will work on the imagery of this piece though.

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"Bottled elixir", "Poison",... starting to think this forum is sponsored by AA. Anyway... your idea has potential.

Plunging deeper for a reason, reaching for the Void,
For the Void has claimed a deeper completely agree with Mr. Kitchens power through a poison,
Poison that was bought upon a fancy, and I call upon the Name--
Save her from the merciless Void,

Reaching to my friend as the poison called her name,
Poison that was killing, leaving nothing but a shell,
Called upon the Name, as I called upon her name,
Nothing from the Name, no mercy from the Void,

Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--
Claiming treasured friends, this poison had,
Slowly killing, taking my treasured friend,
Now I weep for the mercy call,

All my dreams are now asunder, all my hopes have been dashed,
Dashed against the stones, of which these broken bones completely agree with Mr. Kitchens, the phrase makes no sense and you should never let this happen to you, leave a phrase half done like this,
Laid upon a heap of weeping souls,
Weeping for the mercy cold.

I don't necessarily agree with the previous comment when it comes to switching focus from your friend to yourself. You wrote "Claimed upon my heart, she had--her poison claiming her--" and that lets me think that you love this person, and thus her degenerating will also affect you. Feel free though, to expand this idea more, making it even clearer.

In the last stanza, for instance, you could write "our" instead of "my", suggesting you had a special relationship to this person; however, your common dreams for the future have now been trashed against the stones...

I salute you for writing about a serious topic and making a point. Thank you for the read!

Thanks for the suggestions. The "our" replacing "my" is a good one. As for your thought about how I love this person, you were right. This is closer to the heart.

I will make the idea clear.