07-27-2013, 06:35 PM
My warm thanks for your suggestions!
I'm happy that you interpreted the poem as I intended. She leaves, like leaves flying away with the autumn wind... The autumn also implies that the hot passion of the summer has died out. She leaves when it gets cooler, since the tiresome routines of everyday (married) life does not appeal to her. She seeks the passion, not the companionship.
I'm a bit reluctant to drifting too far away from the 5-7-5 form if I don't have to. At the same time I love rhyming so I'm a bit reluctant to getting rid of the rhyme as well... Maybe I'm wrong in insisting upon these things, maybe I should free my spirit from old conventions...
I see now that L2 and L3 say basically the same thing just as you so observantly pointed out - I hadn't realised that. I will try to think of another phrasing so that I can avoid the repetition of ideas.
Also, I see now the advantage of reducing L1 as you said. Besides, that gets me closer to the traditional 5-7-5 form. Also, I'm thinking about a different title that enforces the idea of the poem - but do let me know if that is cheating...
As of now, I've ended up with the 17-syllable:
Emancipation haiku
Leaves in autumn wind:
Does not want to share her life
and be someone's wife
That said, I will continue to ponder on a way to eliminate the repetition of ideas in L2 and L3.
Thank you so much for your opinions!!
I'm happy that you interpreted the poem as I intended. She leaves, like leaves flying away with the autumn wind... The autumn also implies that the hot passion of the summer has died out. She leaves when it gets cooler, since the tiresome routines of everyday (married) life does not appeal to her. She seeks the passion, not the companionship.
I'm a bit reluctant to drifting too far away from the 5-7-5 form if I don't have to. At the same time I love rhyming so I'm a bit reluctant to getting rid of the rhyme as well... Maybe I'm wrong in insisting upon these things, maybe I should free my spirit from old conventions...
I see now that L2 and L3 say basically the same thing just as you so observantly pointed out - I hadn't realised that. I will try to think of another phrasing so that I can avoid the repetition of ideas.
Also, I see now the advantage of reducing L1 as you said. Besides, that gets me closer to the traditional 5-7-5 form. Also, I'm thinking about a different title that enforces the idea of the poem - but do let me know if that is cheating...
As of now, I've ended up with the 17-syllable:
Emancipation haiku
Leaves in autumn wind:
Does not want to share her life
and be someone's wife
That said, I will continue to ponder on a way to eliminate the repetition of ideas in L2 and L3.
Thank you so much for your opinions!!