07-27-2013, 06:15 PM
in a cloak of fallen leaves
spring, summer, fall
forgotten
Beautiful, no doubt which is the primary kigo. In my opinion, it doesn't get more haiku than this!
Possibly, it is a little unclear where the pivotal point is. Maybe you could add a hyphen or a colon to emphasise a shift in images. Also, I would capitalise the first letter in accordance with general grammar rules.
I don't know if it is acceptable to place the hyphen, colon, etc. on L3 instead of L1/L2. But if it is, I would put it like this:
In a cloak of fallen leaves
spring, summer, fall
- forgotten
Once again, thank you for the lovely read!
spring, summer, fall
forgotten
Beautiful, no doubt which is the primary kigo. In my opinion, it doesn't get more haiku than this!
Possibly, it is a little unclear where the pivotal point is. Maybe you could add a hyphen or a colon to emphasise a shift in images. Also, I would capitalise the first letter in accordance with general grammar rules.
I don't know if it is acceptable to place the hyphen, colon, etc. on L3 instead of L1/L2. But if it is, I would put it like this:
In a cloak of fallen leaves
spring, summer, fall
- forgotten
Once again, thank you for the lovely read!