(07-26-2013, 09:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: Clouds burst, heavy dose of liquid sunshineI think you have a very pretty idea here and could build some nice images, but you need to remember that you are the one who decides what rhymes to use, and if it doesn't fit, don't force it. Also, rhyming poetry does benefit immensely from a knowledge of meter to make sure the rhymes fall naturally. There are some threads in the practice forum that can help you with that.
and Mother Nature's sparkling wine.
Puddles flood the summer grass.
Our town, this storm did not surpass. -- I don't think you mean "surpass" here -- do you mean "pass by"? Surpass means to outdo something, which doesn't make sense here. Also, inverted syntax (yoda speak) to force the rhyme to fit makes it obvious that the rhyme is driving the poem, not you.
The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.
Out where all the angels cry,
not a place to hang and dry.
I'll do my wash another day,
when the sky isn't so gray.
Just to give you an example, compare:
The yard diluted with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
The clothesline, melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and forgotten.
with
Yard awash with heaven's tears,
nothing changing through the years.
Clothesline: melancholy, sodden,
rained upon and now forgotten.
(Though I still don't know what "nothing changing through the years" has to do with the rest of the poem!)
It could be worse