Africa

[tectak]

Hi,
There's much wrong with this. You have posted it in Serious Workshopping but I think you would be better in Mild. If you want me to move it, just say the word.
In the meantime, the most obvious issues are line-by-line. There is much more needs to be done but overall you are to be congratulated for posting this piece as it demonstrates a concept worth working with.
Best,
tectak

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray"As" is a poor word. It implies synchronicity...will you show me what is happening AS your eyes wander dreamingly?
from one star to the next in rapid paceDo hurry up. What is happening as your eyes wander dreamingly? Hang on...this is a disconnect Dreamingly with rapid pace? Needs looking at.
Getting lost and ending up far, far awayWhy the capital "G". Have you started a new sentence? I see no full stop. Basic grammar should be attended to before posting. Forum rules.
on the night sky of an unknown placeI like the use of "on" rather than "in", but you write "...the night sky of an unknown place". How come? Have we jumped to a different galaxy, with a different night sky? You are not expressing yourself clearly.

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set This is very bland.It is the kind of line that is only NOT a cliche because no one would ever say it! Full stop after set. It is the end of a sentence unless you think otherwise.
Still their hands are empty and cold;Who? Who they? You have not said.Are we anthropomorphising the sun and moon? You are ahead of yourself ipso facto me, too
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweatLast time. Promise. Grammar. Put it right.

I think about those who don’t own a pen Huge disconnect! Where is this going...where has it been...where has it gone? Sun, moon, sweat, dust,shadows...er....pens? No to this.
– what do they do when they want to write?What is the dash for? Full stop after the peculiarly pensive peregrination on pens. It is at the very least, and most, a sentence. Then "What do they do when they want to write?" becomes salient. Answer? Use a pencil, chalk, charcoal, scratch on slate, type on a keyboard, chisel in stone, use a quill...it has all been solved centuries ago.
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light" ...awake by thoughts" and "without a light" are not but-able. There is no dichotomy. It is possible to lie awake WITH a light. Needs looking at. Forced rhyme, too. May need a rewrite. The concept is STILL good if a little over-used...the reluctant muse, damn her to hell!

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and booksTold you so. Pencils.
Some of them must have come from thereWhere? Where for Pete's sake?
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooksToo clever, too late, too googled...and you CANNOT say "AN... CROOKS". Whatever that is. (tectak.apologies. Yes you can but I wish you hadn't ).Oh. It rhymes with books. Hurrah!

You should have less regard for rhyme if you do not have a huge lexicon at your disposal. If you must rhyme, that is commendable, but try to make the rhymes less obviously contrived. There is a danger, even in this, of over simplicity. Nursery rhymes creep in.
Again, I noticed that this was languishing. Perhaps the wrong forum but well done for the effort. I noted your crits on other's work and welcome you to the site.
Best,
tectak