Let me out

[tectak]

Good edit, better rhythm, conclusive wrap. The hyphenated end lines are bizarre, as would be dashes. Dashes are rarely used singly, and when used in a pair the contained phrase should be supplemental or informative. If you are using the dash as a pause, ask first if a comma, semi colon or colon would do the job. If no, then nor does a dash. I know what effect you are trying to instill in to the reading and to a limited degree it works--in this poem, in this position--but you do not use the "device" consistently so we are left wondering if YOU know what you are trying to achieve.
Darkness
within me
Paleness
surrounds me
Bareness
is all I see
Sickness
is all I breathe

A white hole filled-
with black,
A slow car running down-
the fast track,
A miracle that you pray for-
but as time passes by,
your hope becomes a shipwreck You mix metaphors at your peril...if one esoteric metaphor obscures meaning, four in a row obliterates it.

Sickness
within me
Bareness
surrounds me
Paleness
is all I see
Darkness consider dankness as in dank air. It is more veracious than trying to inhale darkess
is all I breathe

I say yes to this, sonata. Though you hide your meaning as if contraband I need only to put it through X-ray to get an identifiable outline...you may think that's all the reader is entitled to...after all, it is YOUR poem. Yes?
Very best,
tectak