07-25-2013, 12:58 AM
(07-25-2013, 12:07 AM)tectak Wrote:(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Sorry for the bizarre methodology in this crit, rowens, but it won't let me post it any other way. The empty crit box is a symptom of something technical.
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
I can see it, but not in a useful way. And I can't see my response either.
Maybe the succubus got it all too