vintage strumming

[Heartafire]

Revised

Love unfolds this way,
electric, charged with emotion
that jolts the heart.
A blonde haired boy
gifting baby’s breath and peony.

I think you could replace the comma after "way" with either a colon or "-". "Charged with emotion" feels a bit twee and really doesn't add anything at all, you just said it was electric, we understand what that means. Because you start with "Love unfolds" and then you have "A blonde haired boy" it reads like /all/ love only occurs with blonde haired boys.

The years generate a new language,
warm and authentic, a vintage guitar
strumming soft as snowflakes
beneath the weight of one another.

"soft as snowflakes" is very cliche. "beneath the weight . . " I don't even get it. Snowflakes don't really weigh much. Also, the simile falls apart as strumming can be soft but can it really be beneath the weight of one another?

Fragile entities crossing mountains,
resisting undercurrents,
bestowing baby’s breath
and the loveliest peonies.

This last stanza seems entirely unrelated. What happened to the guitar and the blonde boy. Now there are mountains and "undercurrents"(??!!). Also, why are these peonies better than the ones in S1

Thanks for posting, good luck with it.


Original

In the beginning love unseals this way,
electric, stirring the mind and soul.
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies.
The years generate a new language,
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes.

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.

[/quote]

Hi Milo, I think a colon could be used following way in line one. I may remove the comma and opt for that.. I don't know what twee means, but I used "charged with emotion" to emphasis a strong bond,
In this particular piece I am referring to one blonde haired boy, my own. Soft as snowflakes is cliché, I will try to replace that. I might have said burden or something of that nature rather than the term "weight" to describe the impact that these two have upon one another, though I feel "weight" is acceptable. This term has nothing to do the strumming or the guitar. The last stanza refers to the two entities and the challenges overcome to gift understanding.
Thank you for reviewing this and your opinion.
Heart