07-21-2013, 02:27 AM
This felt more like just a life observation than a poem as such.
i feel that it needs a bit of a leg up in terms of offering a poetic device or two...but i do get the image and the frustrationof a wasted life in here.
Not that this is nessasarily what you wanted to capture or is much of an improvment (because I've cheated and used a cliche)
but I've added a couple of effects: the bounce in the last line and the interaction between bottle and breath.
Appoligies for taking the liberty of doing this but sometimes i find it difficult to explain what I mean.
A killer's breath
bottled up-
A lifetime down the drain.
i feel that it needs a bit of a leg up in terms of offering a poetic device or two...but i do get the image and the frustrationof a wasted life in here.
Not that this is nessasarily what you wanted to capture or is much of an improvment (because I've cheated and used a cliche)
but I've added a couple of effects: the bounce in the last line and the interaction between bottle and breath.
Appoligies for taking the liberty of doing this but sometimes i find it difficult to explain what I mean.
A killer's breath
bottled up-
A lifetime down the drain.