Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[milo]

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes --This is a pretty good line break
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

It's really not half bad, though Milo has become a brand name by now, so my qualitative judgment may be biased. I say post anything you're curious about hearing feedback on in the forum.

Hi brownlie,
I think you misunderstand my/the motivation for posting in this forum. There is not the slightest curiosity n my part to hear what others "think" about my efforts. That is completely the wrong ethos. The reason I post in this forum is to take on board suggestions from the crits which will IMPROVE my poetic skills....such as they are.
The last thing I am interesed in the the crit who begins:
I think this is....
and then follows up with
Awesome
mind-blowing
just wow,
or any and all variations on...
something I can relate to
very good
a truly wonderful penning (whatever that means).

Curiosity just doesn't come in to it.

I would prefer a thorough trashing on sound grounds to a eulogy without foundation.
This should go to the discussion forum but it has been discussed to near death already....several thousand times.
Best,
tectak

probably the best work shopper on the site in my honest opinion. I always look forward to workshopping with Tom as he takes comments in the best possible way and then produces actual results so no one feels like they are wasting their time. I certainly learn just from watching the process.