Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[Leanne]

I think this is a very good effort, Tectak. It really speaks to me. You should not give up. One day you'll become a truly wonderful penner.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. -- sentence structure issues: a single stench ensconces and shelters, unless you mean alleys of waste ensconce and shelter, in which case the structural issue is even greater
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, -- "societal garbage" is a bit preachy -- I'd lose it. Also, "asleep in a trance" is fairly tautological
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- you could remove "they are"

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, -- "where but for the darkness could be seen in their eyes tears of gratitude" -- you bloody syntax torturer!
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. -- yeah... I got lost entirely here, it's collapsed under the weight of all those judgmental phrases.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence -- "listen! hear" -- a tautological waste of a verb
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. -- nice consonance in these lines
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. -- "the wakening call" seems a bit abstract for a closing line -- I don't know whether you mean the Last Trump, their name finally being accepted for public housing, or just the alarm clock that the bloke with the mattress found under the bridge. Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm left with a feeling of disappointment and in fact, given the subject, that might not be a bad thing.

Tectak
2012