Aftermath

[Keith]

Hi FF
You have capture this coastal scene very well with some great aliteration, I particularly enjoyed the feel of flighing you manage to convey, passing over fields and beach to ocean and the turning tide. Not sure how well the capitalised lines work some with stops, some without, this just seem to distract me as a reader and broke the otherwise lush, colourful flow of your lines.

In sunken meadows of silken shade
Onyx waters spear depths of jade.
Darting smears of cream and gold
Throng the air as wings unfold.
Quivering waves off sun-soaked grass,
Trembling dust as bright as brass,
Fleeting arcs of shivering spawn, not sure about spawn it fells a bit out of placeYawning cries of guttural horns. Great line provides the reader with an image of the animal sound that drifts over fields.

Beneath this sky of falling calls,
Over the shards of cracked lime walls,
Across the splinters of rosy steel,
Beside the beached and barnacled keels;
Sun-bleached eyes wear drowsy frowns, enjoyed this childlike portrial of end of day beachinessTaut, dark skin framed with sandy crowns.
Sinew strings frayed and half submerged,
Blood rust blades lie scarred and scourged,
Illium’s sons embrace the earth;
One man’s lust, ten thousand cursed.
Memories weathered by warm, dark tides, is the fisrt comma needed? great line.Faded flags cloak tattered hides.

Silvered oak, parched with blistered skin
Juts sharply out beneath these kin,
Till fingered by the surging tide
It casts the weary shore aside these two lines are my favourite for the image alone that final departure of the sea when it seem to suddenly disappear.And slips away toward the sky,
As iridescent eyes slide by.

Fractal streams flash 6 feet deep;
Above silent lights, the sea retreats. Not sure you need these lines.

A great read Fred F hope my comments help a bit. TOMH