Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[tectak]

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes --This is a pretty good line break
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

It's really not half bad, though Milo has become a brand name by now, so my qualitative judgment may be biased. I say post anything you're curious about hearing feedback on in the forum.

Hi brownlie,
I think you misunderstand my/the motivation for posting in this forum. There is not the slightest curiosity n my part to hear what others "think" about my efforts. That is completely the wrong ethos. The reason I post in this forum is to take on board suggestions from the crits which will IMPROVE my poetic skills....such as they are.
The last thing I am interesed in the the crit who begins:
I think this is....
and then follows up with
Awesome
mind-blowing
just wow,
or any and all variations on...
something I can relate to
very good
a truly wonderful penning (whatever that means).

Curiosity just doesn't come in to it.

I would prefer a thorough trashing on sound grounds to a eulogy without foundation.
This should go to the discussion forum but it has been discussed to near death already....several thousand times.
Best,
tectak