Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[tectak]

is the stench doing the ensconcing here? Then you have a verb disagreement. Otherwise you have a clarity issue. Also, the vile and the fallen? You must be able to do better than that.
"comas of hidden despair" is both abstract and banal while also being contrived. Why "sack-wrapped AND bagged", wouldn't one or the other do the trick? "with" their blood threatened bodies suggests there is an alternative option of "without" their blood threatened bodies"?"look quickly and side-wise into" is awkward and wordy. "where but for the darkness"? Dis you really write that ,Tom? "tears of gratitude", "assaulting vistas" - ugh. "threaten by closeness to you" - wordy and awkward. Do you need the"protection" right after you mention the shield? I would think you wouldn't need "look" if you have linger. "Sleep like the blind" is interesting but it feels like it would be interesting in a different poem. Are you hearing the lungs "through" the crackling congestion or is the congestion the sound /of/ the lungs? "Death on the prowl" = lol. What is broken by silence? lungs(??!!)

all in all, much of it is wordy, contrived and over-modified.

Thanks for posting.

Absolutely.
Returned from holiday suitably refreshed?
Yes...I genuinely posted this uncorrected/unfiltered from a pretty turgid event some years back. I did do a rewrite but without enthusiasm. I intendfollowing my own advice and really hacking it up. To that end, let loose a fusillade! What is left after the slaughter may be thebasis for a new piece. If nothing is left,so be it.
Be warned, I have dozens if efforts like this just lying around.
All comments will be welcomed. I like to workshop one every now and again and if its my own I can't offend anyone!
Best
tectak

Yah, holiday was good. I would love to see you really workshop this into something pretty. I would be happy to do the almighty snip if you are too scared . . .

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak