Villanelle rewrite

[milo]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

"leaves of spring" = spring leaves uninverted. That it is in a refrain is going to create a painful journey for some. (me) Why are these leaves "bloooming" in the wrong season? I thought that this might be your central metaphor, but it is never developed if it is. The second refrain suffers from many problems. "White light atoms"(??!) Atoms falling? And the comparison of leaves to atoms is just . . . not good.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Why are we describing leaves as "combustible (unnecessary). Your meter just took a leap into infinity. How does one burn a passionate spasm? You can't burn a spasm. I would recommend never using the word "ephemeral" in a poem again. "Bursts of vibrancy? You are trying to build an abstraction pyramid? What is an ephemeral burst of vibrancy? You refrain is just tacked on here, neither strengthening nor "turning".

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

I wish "Stardom" was the name of a car, I could have so much fun here. "bursting starts of blonde and red" is actually" red and blonde bursting stars". Your are overmodifying everything. These stars "went falling down". Does that read syntactically correct to you? I am going to stop after this stanza.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The images are inconsistent, inaccurate and often incoherent. The syntax and wording are tortured to fit the villanelle form and then they don't fit it anyway.

A villanelle needs to be an elegant progression of naturally occurring refrains and this doesn't so that. Try to say what you want to say first, then let it fall into place rather than twisting and torturing the words so much.

Thanks for posting.