Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[billy]

for me there are two problem areas tom. lots of adjectives ( i think that's what they are and some the line breaks feels as though they could be better done. though i realize i'm being subjective

i did enjoy the narration apart from the pepsi homage on line 3 of the last stanza. 28 was 25 too many

i like the way you use longer lines but i think this is one of those poems that would benefit from breaking the lines up, and again it's just me being subjective but i think a line break can do the work of an odd comma really well.

thanks for the reads

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste, colonic makes me think of what you intend me to think. i had to google wynds and i'm not sure it works as you have it laid down.
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. ensconce or shelter is redundant
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, some stark images that work well
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. I'm not sure either of your [they are's] in this stanza add anything to the poem.

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, first 2 lines feel overly wordy
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. again it feels wordy with little payola

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled, a solid line. the forcefulness of the line has tension in it
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. now i'm reminded of the thirst quenching pepsi ad, (which isn't so good)
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.h ad to look up enuresis (you're making me work) i liked its use in this line.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. my beauties feels forced and unneeded?

Tectak
2012