07-18-2013, 09:07 AM
Hi,
The first thing I noticed is that there's no punctuation. Adding some periods and commas could make it read easier.
There are also some words that are being repeated (ie. 'think of her', 'think about her'). Maybe you could find another way of telling what you want to tell, without repeating the same words as much.
It's a sweet poem, but it didn't draw me in as a reader. It was too cliche, I'm afraid (ie. L3-L4).
All of this is of course just my own humble opinion to be scrapped or used at will.
Do keep writing.
Best,
LB
The first thing I noticed is that there's no punctuation. Adding some periods and commas could make it read easier.
There are also some words that are being repeated (ie. 'think of her', 'think about her'). Maybe you could find another way of telling what you want to tell, without repeating the same words as much.
It's a sweet poem, but it didn't draw me in as a reader. It was too cliche, I'm afraid (ie. L3-L4).
All of this is of course just my own humble opinion to be scrapped or used at will.
Do keep writing.
Best,
LB