A Passing

[billy]

thanks for the feedback tom i thought about using scent but felt smell was better suited, as musty woodlands flors are something i see as musty but i have given it some thought and wondered if [a musk] would do a better job?

i'll give it some thought in the next edit, thanks for the feedback .

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell A "....a scent"
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. B
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes B
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along C
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. C
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade D
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade, D
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. A "the mottled copse intoned its sad lament."

The years, like winds of old are cast away A
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. B
Now terracotta houses rise like sails C
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. A
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. B
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. C

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thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

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i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Billy,
For a rough-cut Rupert you have NAILED this one to the board. Of course, it IS my kind of thing but you have worked a weft of William into it that weaves in and out through the whole tapestry. It is quite beautiful and you should be suitably puffed up (as billies are wont to do).
Excellent edit and all credit to you....but I still don't like SMELL and its implication of unpleasantness. My suggestion is just that...a suggestion.
Best,
tectak

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It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like the edit.
But "with them gone the softness of the trees"? Uggh. Please replace "gone" with a verb.

Also, I'm not too sure about winds being "cast away", but it's a lot better than "bled".

thanks for the feedback true, i'll do another edit in a week or two and see if i can utilize your suggestions

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thanks brownlie, i'll keep you thoughts in mind when i do the next edit.

and i can't believe i left the half foot out again. i' have fixed that one point on the fly.