A Passing
#17
I remember this poem I really enjoy the sestet of this one. I'll try to give you some useful feedback. I can go over the meter like a Nazi I suppose even though I'm not sure of all the unacceptable deviations of meter.
(07-05-2013, 06:42 PM)billy Wrote:  It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -To me, Silver seems to suggest at symbolism.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. --So feels padded, maybe instead of "so" you could use "was" Your call
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away-- Olden winds may also work but winds of old is probably fine
and with them, gone the softness of the trees. -- I question the word softness, is it softness that the trees brought?
Now terracotta houses rise like sails -- I would put a comma after now. Also I'm not sure if the first part of this line is a spondee or not.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales. --I'm counting a missed half of a foot, though the deviation may be acceptable.


thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

Quote: original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.


i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge
I went over the poem with my best ability. I found some little things that could be fixed, but you should be proud of this one. Thumbsup Enigma may have a point on gone I did not consider that.
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Messages In This Thread
A Passing - by billy - 07-05-2013, 06:42 PM
RE: A Passing - by Heartafire - 07-05-2013, 10:00 PM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-06-2013, 07:31 AM
RE: A Passing - by milo - 07-06-2013, 09:20 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-06-2013, 04:12 PM
RE: A Passing - by Brownlie - 07-06-2013, 01:18 AM
RE: A Passing - by tectak - 07-06-2013, 01:59 AM
RE: A Passing - by R.C. KITCHENS - 07-06-2013, 03:25 AM
RE: A Passing - by milo - 07-06-2013, 05:21 AM
RE: A Passing - by Leanne - 07-06-2013, 06:49 AM
RE: A Passing - by TRLustig - 07-06-2013, 03:47 PM
RE: A Passing - by Leanne - 07-06-2013, 07:06 PM
RE: A Passing - by tectak - 07-06-2013, 11:42 PM
RE: A Passing - by Brownlie - 07-07-2013, 12:18 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-17-2013, 06:18 PM
RE: A Passing - by tectak - 07-17-2013, 07:34 PM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-18-2013, 07:26 AM
RE: A Passing - by tectak - 07-18-2013, 07:38 AM
RE: A Passing - by Brownlie - 07-17-2013, 10:01 PM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-18-2013, 11:09 AM
RE: A Passing - by tectak - 07-18-2013, 08:11 PM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-18-2013, 08:49 PM
RE: A Passing - by milo - 07-19-2013, 07:14 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-19-2013, 10:22 AM
RE: A Passing - by milo - 07-20-2013, 09:40 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-29-2013, 03:24 PM
RE: A Passing - by heslopian - 07-29-2013, 10:43 PM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 07-30-2013, 07:37 AM
RE: A Passing - by serge gurkski - 08-02-2013, 09:10 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 08-02-2013, 09:58 AM
RE: A Passing - by ray - 08-03-2013, 02:45 AM
RE: A Passing - by billy - 08-08-2013, 06:21 PM



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