October(Warning deviations from form are many)

[rayheinrich]

Leaves are falling
Fading into shades of many hues and drying out-
The boys all drink in October

Good, but needs a change or two. If I may:
leaves
falling into pools of puke
the boys all drink in october

I feel my version is more ambiguous which means that it could mean everything. Yours is funnier and it provides a more vivid scene.

Yes, I went for the cheap joke; yours is the better poem now that I'm
beginning to understand its complexities and the various levels of metaphor
you so ingeniously engineered:

'Leaves are falling' -> One by one, according to their individual capacities
for handling alcohol, they are getting falling down drunk.

'Fading into shades of many hues' -> Again, according to their individual
capacities for handling alcohol their nausea, hangovers, etc. turn their
skin, eyes, etc. various shades of color though all face fading as the
blood drains from their faces.
This, of course, is only the literal first level of metaphor as the
'fading' and 'shades of many hues' denotes the effects this behavior
has on their physical, social, and psychological lives.

'drying out' -> On the first level it's just a term for alcohol detoxification.
On the spiritual level it goes something like: "If we seek the truth, develop
faith in Him, and … sincerely repent, we will receive a spiritual change of
heart which only comes from our Savior." and various other crap but that's
enough for now.

'boys', 'drink', and 'october' all have their multiple levels as well, but
the complexities of your poem are vitiating the hell out of my poor brain
and I must terminate this endeavor forthwith.

I am humbled.

As always, your obedient servant:
Ray

---

stop being nasty

Both Brownie's and mine are way better than this one.
To start off with, it only has 1 line! Though I guess it could be reformatted
to have 3 lines:
stop
being
nasty

But even with 3 lines it lacks words and content; though, I must admit, it does possess
a certain presumptuous yeastiness that I almost find appealing.

Yours in poetic accord and fellowship (not to mention comradeship, confederation,
harmony, oneness, support, undividedness, unification, and union).

Ray