Saying Goodbye (first edit)

[billy]

the narrators voice is very weak, the poem flits through snapshots of tell without any connection to other parts of the poem, are they all separate ways of saying goodbye? i think the reader needs more from the poem than what's being given. a few cliches that would be better removed and replaced with more originalty. at present it's verging on being prose,

thanks for the read.

A Difficult Farewell

A light vanished from my life
Quiet settles where warmth had been
Dullness obscures my senses
A total stranger walks in feels like to much telling us to little, someone is going away is what i have after the 1st stanza and that was given to me by the title.

My feet are covered with mud and moss this is a good concrete image
I’ve wandered from the trail
My eyes dart about for a familiar feature
Any recognizable detail this line's redundant

I pushed the stacks of expensive chips too wordy [I pushed the chips] or some derivative would suffice and make it a stronger line, try and make a stronger image, [i ushered the chips]
Beyond the betting line
Then gaze blankly at an elevated infinity should be gazed as pushed is past tense
Oblivious to the roll of the die a suggestion would be to alter the phrase [roll of the die] as it's a cliche a suggestion would be [dance of the die]

I radioed for takeoff clearance how did we get here?
Received a release to fly
Pushed the power levers forward
Without a flight plan on file this stanza is very tell and not show.

I glared at the batter with resolute disdain
Ground the ball deep in a well-worn mitt
Elevated my arms as I twisted and kicked
Without a clue as to what I might pitch it's beginning to feel like a train of thought poem because you jump from one act to another without there being a connection. give the read something to hold onto or follow

I dropped you off at the airport
Got in the truck and drove down the street
It took a while before I realized
The guy in the truck wasn’t me. too forced, trite or whatever it's called. it feels like you just plonked the last line down because you were in a hurry.