my try (first erotic poem! eeeee)

[Brownlie]

There she is
in the back of groove,
the beat of the bass drum.
For I am in the rumble in your heart.

Slowly I Hum -Yoda Speak I think this is called an inversion
in my head to the sound of the -- Why enjambment here? This makes the reader stop on the which is not a strong word.
bass. I am playing to her
soft ears. To see you move -- How are ears soft? What does the texture feel like?those hips like a dancing
doll, made of skin
not plastic.

I look into her eyes
and let out a little smile then
up I jump up to slam down on the - I jump up would read more naturally.
hard wood ground. This mound of
rock I have built in my soul. -- Soul is abstract more subtle suggestions are more poignant in my opinion.
That will not let a girl become
one whole with me, kills.

I want that babe. I want to know
who you are, and not what.
I want you just for tonight,
but not to to get inside your gut. -- This might be your most erotic line and one of the most effective.

Hold you hair as your smile
is against mine. Oh love, -- I would not use Oh unless you had to fit a meter or something but that is just me.
crawling slow swiftly down my spine. -- This line isn't bad
Here I am.
At last

I would advise sticking to words that refer to physical objects, that might help you dig out some things. Your call.