Lessoning Trust

[billy]

i think it reads okay yet it lacks something. some of the images are okay but aren't tied to anything of substance.

where alone is a feeling i can't undo

why use [where] what does the line mean? alone is a feeling, what feeling. alone is standing in a bucket of shit upside down while have diarrhoea in perpetuity alone like a leper outside his colony

another one is

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit

while it creates good assonance further on in the verse, what is it saying?

thanks for the read.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you comma after rain i thing unless the rain also entered you head. (i think)
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo, weak line
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. some good assonance in this verse.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware.