Lessoning Trust

[Vistaldust]

And one more thing, Mr. Brownlie, I already am serious about writing. I just seriously suck at the moment.....but wait...you just wait. I am a Phoenix rising, and I will make something of this poem, and then you and the world will see how one poem could alter the course of the universe......not really, but it sounds ambitious, doesn't it!

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I guess that can work. You can check your Welcome poem one more time.

Rowens, you've been good at watching my back, and I appreciate it, but I'm trying to find the fuck-up in the other poem and my inexperience is blinding me.....punctuation?

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And one more thing, Mr. Brownlie, I already am serious about writing. I just seriously suck at the moment.....but wait...you just wait. I am a Phoenix rising, and I will make something of this poem, and then you and the world will see how one poem could alter the course of the universe......not really, but it sounds ambitious, doesn't it!

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I guess that can work. You can check your Welcome poem one more time.

Rowens, you've been good at watching my back, and I appreciate it, but I'm trying to find the fuck-up in the other poem and my inexperience is blinding me.....punctuation?

Ok, I think I corrected it

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Been meaning to get to your poem for awhile now I am finally getting around to it.

Lessoning Trust

Drops of rain then the splash of you
enters my mind like a loaded fist,
where alone is a feeling I can't undo,
floating free in a mountain of mist.

Enchantment fed me sweets of deceit
in a bed of sheets covered with snow,
crying out in whispers, "don't retreat",
stealing arrows from Cupid's bow. -- Cupid arrow is a cliché don't know if you had that in mind when you wrote the piece.

The good ones play quiet and flaunt with care;
such orchids are shy in their bloom.
Others are spiders with webs that snare,
holding court in corners of rooms. --I like the sentiment but the being caught in a web of deceit is also a bit clichéd.

Wisdom is pain that pierces a hole -I believe this thought could be written better with more vivid imagery, I believe there is something there.
in a heart when it ventures to dare.
In her bed on a pillow my head lays low,
where my dreams tell my soul to beware. -- Serious poetry is usually more effective if it is done with more subtlety.

I like the idea of deceptive courting because some people use other people and hurt them, but I would guide the reader to that conclusion without them being aware that they were being shown that idea. I think if you get really serious about writing there is a good chance it will turn out to be good.

I'm going to follow your suggestions and rework this with more subtlety and more surprise.