07-10-2013, 09:56 AM
it's not that bad at all. you could play around with the enjambment and see if you can make it a more inetersting read but in general i like the nostalgia of it. it's original, it has a theme, it has some decent alliteration (the V's, B's and C's,) a couple of word choice changes might also perk it up but it's a pretty solid write.
(07-10-2013, 07:16 AM)Vistaldust Wrote: "Those Old 78s".
Play oh violin through vinyl's despair.
Give your lament to the open air.
Glenn Miller's pain bursts boldly through your veins,
while a trombone crackles cold and clear,
through the mystic grace of those big band days.
Just a short little thing I wrote about 20 years ago, not meant to seriously critiqued. Basically, it's shit, but every once in awhile it's nice to post something that I truly know to be shitty, instead of being in denial, as is customary.