the chasm

[R.C. KITCHENS]

a tirade of bitter loneliness
surges through tensed fingers

What is wrong with me?
How is it that I fail so miserably to demonstrate how much I long for your touch,
you could write this a few different ways, for example "I fail miserably to demonstrate how I long for your touch" If you keep it as is..you could
lose "so".
a moment of affection,
more interest than you find
in the bright lights
and pulsing beats
delivered to you in gigabytes of RAM

my pulse beats
my eyes light
my hope is more lasting than your RAM

but i am not enough
my eyes not bright enough
my pulse doesn't beat as loud or hypnotically

only the wish, the whine or complaint reaches your ears
only too quickly drowned out
in a haze of greenish grey smoke
Im wondering a little bit here, maybe a little more detail?

that turns hopeful pleasedid you mean plea's?
into background sound

you need not be concerned
with the patience of hope
you count on it
it ensures your survival

this chasm of emptiness wont leave
all it continues to echo isdon't need "is" or "all"
"This chasm of emptiness wont leave,
it continues to echo
What is wrong with me?"
What is wrong with me?

This was different, I like the first two lines. It was a good start. I think following those lines there was a break up of imagery. Certain parts need a little more detail to fully make the piece work. I get a general Idea, but a little more imagery wouldn't hurt.

Welcome to the forum.[/b]