A Passing

[billy]

Hi Billy, would love to find one nit with this but coming up empty handed. It is without fault for me. I smell the scent of the forest, the birch and oak, so beautifully expressed. I must weave through the dialect, eg; brae, here we might say hillside, sewage rather than sewerage. A learning experience. Your use of simile and metaphor perfect; awesome writing.
My Best,
Heart

thanks for the kind feedback heart.

---

I will come back to this poem later and give it some more analysis, but I really enjoyed where the poem went in the second stanza. One immediate critique I can give is that you start the poem with it and it is hard to tell what the it your referring to is. The terracotta houses and especially the sewer pipes were salient parts of the poem for me.

will be waiting
about [it]
i was hoping the title would help

---

Small nits,billy, but consequential. Overall a well transmitted message difficult to misread....nothing wrong with that.
Best,
tectak
It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell Unrelated "it" could be changed to simply "Wind" but better to avoid the unpoetic and sanitary "smell". Try " Wind carried waft of ferns, unfurled a scent ..." Your poem.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell. ...but from the heart. Good

The years, like winds of old have bled away Mauled metaphor. Do winds bleed? " The years have gone, on breezes blown away.." Again, your poem. Ignore me. I am a distant muse past my tell by date
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails. Capital on "Now" if you mean it but no comma after "sails"
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. Moot point coming. I read your note. Some may argue but you are strictly speaking correct in using "sew er age" when before "pipes" but common parlance by anti-pedants would allow "sewage" . Your call.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze. I don't see why the breeze has gone but it should....no more the trees maybe
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

winds bleed for me in metaphor but you and leanne both, have a point which i'll amend in the edit. and silly me, i never thought to spell it sewage
as you and heartfire int out, too will also be amended.
thanks for the feedback tom

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
I agree, The "it" should be more implied.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
instead of "bled away" you could use "vanished" or "disappeared" also what Tectak suggested in "blown away"
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.I get what your implying here, the houses have taken the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

I like it very well, well written.

thanks for the feedback rc and the reinforcement that bled might not work

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

L1 - 'scent of ferns' reads particularly strange as well as 'a smell', perhaps something like "It blew a scent of ferns, unfurled the smell'.
L2 - 'oaks have a smell?' I know when you cut them or burn them they do, but I would be hard-pressed to identify with the smell of a live oak tree.
L3, L4 are good.
L5 - 'on branch is strange and it is filler as well.
L6 - swayed in the glade might be too dr seusish
L7, L8 good

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales.

L1 - 'winds of old' seems too Victorian, it is pretty non-specific as well.
L2 - The tree's softness flew?
The rest reads fine.

Your Octet reads like a very specific time more than just 'in the past' as your sestet suggests. It gives me some confusion in the read but I am not even really sure how you would fix it.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

Overall, you have done a good job with the descriptive and the reportage. I like it, billy, I think you have the makings of a good sonnet.

some valid points i'll attend to with the edit. about the oak, for me oak has a distinct smell not everyone's nose is as cute, oops i mean acute

there's been a few crit's on it so i think i can share a meaning.

ever look at the woods from a distance and notice how obscure their outlines are, i've seen them sometimes as moving works of art as opposed to a hard landscape,

thanks for the crit and insites.

---

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell -- scent and smell are the same thing, so one of them is wasted -- perhaps "It brought a hint of ferns" -- I have no problems at all starting with "it", I think it's fairly obvious that it's not just wind but the entire atmosphere -- wind is too small a word
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks. -- nice personification and I know the smell you mean
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. -- "on branch" is not good, it's forced -- but this would be easily fixed by "its branch" or even just "the branch".
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade -- no comma needed after swayed
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade, -- aloud is awkward -- perhaps "sang across the shade" or something
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away --"bled away" seems a bit emo and not terribly relevant to the image -- "slid" might help
and with them flew the softness of the trees. -- I'm not sold on "flew" but the image itself is good
now terracotta houses rise like sails. -- capital N and no full stop
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. -- nice
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell, no more the vales. -- you're short here and I think the repetition gets a bit much -- perhaps "No more the summer dell and gone the vales."

Very good bones and for the most part, you've nailed the IP which is a pretty big deal.

---

PS. Sewerage is the network of pipes and such, sewage is the shit that flows through them, so your spelling is correct and I'll certainly allow the elision because that's more or less how I'd say it too.

thanks for the feedback leanne, that last line, i wrote twenty times and 19 of them were complete. i just rushed the bastard to get the poem up before going out. the lesson learned is wait until tomorrow instead of rushing it. i'll leave the flew in on the 2nd line of the volta and work on the other points you make later today or tomorrow. the point i'm most pissed at beside the lost half foot is the scent smell.

all in all i spent two to two and half hours of broken time on the thing and should have spotted the repetition. i found that if i did 15 mins and left it an hour i saw more the cock ups i made.