07-05-2013, 04:05 AM
Hi fim. I'll say that the topic of, if I can paraphrase, “layers as defense mechanisms”, is over used (think of Shrek if you've seen it: onions have layers, ogres have layers) but not pointless if you can pull it off. Right now I'm reading “Women in Love” by D. H. Lawrence (true story), and I feel that half the characters would agree that they put up layers to present a picture of themselves (certainly Hermione, but not Ursula... but I digress, and am only 100 pages in). Anyway, some comments on part one.
Quote:The little boy sat in his 3rd grade Art class art lower case
Hand-drawing circles on the paper on his desk hand-drawing bit unnecessary: I'd venture to say that ALL drawing is by hand (or at any rate, all drawing done in 3rd grade...feet drawing?). Also, two on's don't make a right (sorry, I'm feeling a bit sarcastic at the moment).
The challenge was to create an impression of layers
And an illusion of maximum depth These two could be phrased differently? Less words, more sexy.
It was like stacking slices of Swiss cheese
Manipulating their hole alignment this line does more to bog me down than to add anything; first I thought you mis-spelled whole, then “hole alignment”, while not a common phrase, sounds a bit awkward. Maybe just me; at any rate, you use hole again two lines down; nix one of 'em.
So from a bird’s eye view you could see each layer bird's eye view a cliché
The top slice and through its holes the slices behind it
This stanza isn't that interesting; you're just describing what you've basically already stated.
That circle-within-a-circle art project eventually
Became a metaphor that helped me better understand my life
It was an abstract analogy that provided insight
Into the mechanism I used to deal with strife
I wouldn't state this stanza outright. The reader can put together that drawing layers can be a metaphor for people stuff without it explained to them.
People who knew me when I was younger are puzzled
“Your pain wasn’t evident.”
They are right of course, it wasn’t shared
It was very effectively masked
The last line's ok, but again, you don't need to state this stuff. Tell a story, and have faith in your readers to understand what you mean.
You see, my inner core is well camouflaged camouflaged in this context also sounds cliché.
By “layers” that successively reduce
The amount of “me” that the world gets to see
Limiting exposure to rejection and abuse
The “layers” provide most excellent protection
Much like a safe room designed to prevent
Any threat from penetrating its barrier
Expression and freedom the cost of the rent
Layers can be distractions
Masquerading interests or activities
The concealment of associations and relationships
The sleight of hand of college degrees
The dissimulation of impressive designations
The dupery of accolades … or notoriety
Misleading distinctions and acknowledgements
Have for years masked the core of me
So lastly I'll say that it would help if you were a bit more concrete, or at least tell a story (not just go on about how you feel) that eludes to an angst felt by, say, a narrator. For example, you later say "except for a relatively recent development"... what development? I certainly can't know. Ok, I'll stop talking. Good luck!
p&p