07-03-2013, 10:11 AM
hi flowergirl 
at present, it reads as prose. as prose it works, as poetry it doesn't work as well as a poem should.
try and remove as much as you can. try and us some images that show us what you're saying. there's a term called "show, don't tell " that's bandied about poetry sites. mainly because poets often tell a story, the reader (more times than not) needs more than that.
He is a liar.
He was pretending to be a monster of the valley.
But, he can feel.
He can feel.
He is lucky.
He is taunting me from the path.
He knows of my darkness, he knows all my secrets.
He thinks I am crazy.
But, I’m a monster.
A girl walks up to him, she is my best friend.
They embrace.
I walk further into the valley,
Closer to the woods.
The monsters kneel.
I am almost there.
I see them together.
I turn my head.
lines like those above have little poetic merit, there's a lot more lines that are similar.
start off with small steps, try something shorter and see how much easier it will be to workshop.
thanks for the read.
at present, it reads as prose. as prose it works, as poetry it doesn't work as well as a poem should.
try and remove as much as you can. try and us some images that show us what you're saying. there's a term called "show, don't tell " that's bandied about poetry sites. mainly because poets often tell a story, the reader (more times than not) needs more than that.
He is a liar.
He was pretending to be a monster of the valley.
But, he can feel.
He can feel.
He is lucky.
He is taunting me from the path.
He knows of my darkness, he knows all my secrets.
He thinks I am crazy.
But, I’m a monster.
A girl walks up to him, she is my best friend.
They embrace.
I walk further into the valley,
Closer to the woods.
The monsters kneel.
I am almost there.
I see them together.
I turn my head.
lines like those above have little poetic merit, there's a lot more lines that are similar.
start off with small steps, try something shorter and see how much easier it will be to workshop.
thanks for the read.