Mindfield

[billy]

request removed

the critique boards are not request boards. /admin

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i think it's a good attempt at mixing the two but not quite good enough.
i'm not sure of what connections are being made with some of the things you brought into the poem, victorian, picasso, i suppose anything can be analysed though so it could be me whose not seeing them. for me the poem needs a bit more cohesion. in parts it feels like a rhyming poem, if it is sort out the rhyme scheme, if it isn't remove what end rhymes you have. the metaphor of field work could be better used. some words could be removed, (more than i pointed out in the poem)

all in all it seem there's lot i'm not keen on and there are but they're mainly niggly things that you could fix without to much trouble

thanks for the read.

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue. i have no idea what this refers to unless it's the victorian prudish puritanism which was a bit of a sham i like the use of pealing instead of peeling
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew, is [they] needed?
till I watched them die is[till] needed?
Picasso blue.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame. i like these two lines. i may have heard the ugly line before but i like them both equally. i think they encompass two of feelings of self hate

Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
They dampen in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

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I'm ready for some shredding, but I am stuck on the idea of juxtaposing psychoanalysis with digging in a field. I'm just tired of playing with it so I threw it on here for help.