07-02-2013, 08:31 PM
Thanks for the feedback Tec. ("Lossy" is that a Sergism falling through your fingers? 
)
Will be back with an edit in due course (will wait a day and see if anyone else has any thoughts to add). As ever I feel inadequate in my efforts to be in serious...I have to admit that dear Serge lured me here with sweet nothings in his wonderful retro / seventies way...I declined his latter offers but confess a rush of blood to the head caused me to think that I should re-post the poem. So in answer to 80% of your comments I will give a nod of agreement to your opinions.
In particular the first line break. This was a trial to work through my failings in both meter and line ending which i constantly struggle with. I feel that I over work many of my poems and loose track what I am doing in the process.
So confession time: with this one I wanted to post it un-worked as such...but I failed to resist a bit of a tweek. (In my original, original) the line ending was on masking, then I added life for clarity of read and the masking was moved back n forth like granny's mop between the lines..and then i posted without resolving what i was about.
So appoligies this poem was not really ready for serious, but I'm here now so I'll stay put and work through this one, but i might need a bit of a steer with the whole line ending thing to help me on my way.
Many thanks AJ.
)Will be back with an edit in due course (will wait a day and see if anyone else has any thoughts to add). As ever I feel inadequate in my efforts to be in serious...I have to admit that dear Serge lured me here with sweet nothings in his wonderful retro / seventies way...I declined his latter offers but confess a rush of blood to the head caused me to think that I should re-post the poem. So in answer to 80% of your comments I will give a nod of agreement to your opinions.
In particular the first line break. This was a trial to work through my failings in both meter and line ending which i constantly struggle with. I feel that I over work many of my poems and loose track what I am doing in the process.
So confession time: with this one I wanted to post it un-worked as such...but I failed to resist a bit of a tweek. (In my original, original) the line ending was on masking, then I added life for clarity of read and the masking was moved back n forth like granny's mop between the lines..and then i posted without resolving what i was about.
So appoligies this poem was not really ready for serious, but I'm here now so I'll stay put and work through this one, but i might need a bit of a steer with the whole line ending thing to help me on my way.
Many thanks AJ.