First post "Clearing"

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community.

My first piece is called "Clearing"
the premise : a man with his life crumbling commits a crime against our "victim" which i expect you will relate to someone close to you.

Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

This seemed more like a rap lyric to me. It lacks definitive imagery to really get me focused on the intent. To be honest, I didn't understand some of it because it lacked that pertinent detail. I think portions of it was for rhyme sake. I think you could hone the story a little bit more so it is more cohesive as a whole.

Also, It is proper etiquette to give feedback/ critique before posting your own work. You have visited and re-visited the site to reply to your thread. Please take some time to also leave feedback to others.
Welcome to the site.