Still a Caterpillar

[Vistaldust]

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

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Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

This is the SERIOUS critique forum. I am not "ripping" on anything. If you just want praise please post to a different forum. If you would like to comment on MY writing or publishing or whatever please reply in the appropriate thread.

TIA Have a nice day!

No, no. Don't get me wrong. I want serious critiquing. I appreciate it. I'm disappointed that I am way off the mark. Do you think there is potential? I am afraid of being too elusive, so I tend to give too much away. What is the best way to learn to establish better form?

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"Still a Caterpillar"
Hi vista,
Look, first if all, you MUST respect the forum an take care if simple errors...if you cannot see them, you should post in mild or novice where you will get more basic help. Nonetheless, if you wish to improve, crit is one way. So here goes.

I sat in the corner of the corridor
Crying eternal tears.
The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor. Stop capitalising every line. It is retro, affectacious, confusing and schoolboyish. This opening stanza just scrapes by syntax-wise but you are close to a disconnect by separating the dog spray from the "eternal tears" by the interjection of the janitor.

They said twenty laps around Who they? A disconnect. You have not mentioned them before.
The circular hallway was a mile.Was it? And what is it now? Be specific and precise. This is serious crit.
I never tried to walk it. So what, one asks. Why mention it?
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible. Oh bugger. Not more drug-dirge. Have you any idea how boring this becomes. Lighten up and write better.This is a poetry site not a drop-in centre

Some pretty nurse interns try to Well, I am bored by the subject but if you must
Pry me from my coma. This is actually worthy. I like the mechanism as described
They wanted me to play a board "Try to" and "wanted to" is a tense mismatch. Tried to.
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame Full stop. Good observation and follow through. You could write on something else and I would read it.

Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery. Well, poetry it ain't. What can I say. This is just a monologue. Line breaks are random and there is no hint of meter.

Self-induced exorcisms happen daily.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud. Now this will be controversial, but this stanza is complete and self-satisfied. I would ditch everything else. Unusually, you get into your stride late. Shame

Overall, a good piece. The drugs cliche is just mundane. Write about it if you must...but give yourself credibility and respect...write about something else. It has all been
mauled before.
Best,
tectak[/b]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I thought I would throw one out there with the big boys, but I am humbled by my critiques, so I will go to the novice section.

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You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo

---

Well, thanks. This is what I'm here for. Please tell me you have some experience with getting published. I want to improve, but I hope you're not just ripping on it because I'm a target for some reason. Having said that, if you are well-published and truly trying to help, then I can' thank you enough for your time!

This is the SERIOUS critique forum. I am not "ripping" on anything. If you just want praise please post to a different forum. If you would like to comment on MY writing or publishing or whatever please reply in the appropriate thread.

TIA Have a nice day!

Milo, I am getting other critiques, and I am getting it now. This part of the forum is for poets who have a very good grasp at what it takes to get published. I'll float down the the novice area. At least I know where I need to be now. I read some of your stuff and it's great!