Still a Caterpillar

[milo]

"Still a Caterpillar"

I sat in the corner of the corridor corridor's don't really have corners (don't argue this with semantics please)
Crying eternal tears. this is an awful phrase. what is the difference between eternal tears and transient tears? nothing. in fact, since pretty much all crying involves tears, I would strip the eternal and tears right out.


The janitor came to mop them
Up, as if a dog just sprayed
On the floor.

Your line breaks are pretty bad, I am not sure what criteria you are using but I feel it might involve a blind fold and a pair of dice. The awkward wordiness of the above 3 lines could be:

The janitor mopped them up
as if a dog sprayed.

They said twenty laps around Now you have "they", but who are they?
The circular hallway was a mile.
I never tried to walk it.
Besides, the Ativan and Haldol
Make the effort of counting
Nearly impossible.

Once again with the annoying linebreaks! What are words like "besides", "the effort" and "nearly" adding here? Poetry needs to be condensed.

Some pretty nurse interns try to
Pry me from my coma.
They wanted me to play a board
Game with them.
They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Seriously with the line breaks!!! Stop it already. This whole section is unadulterated prose, BTW.

Some pretty nurse interns try to Pry me from my coma. They wanted me to play a board Game with them. They might try to get to know me.
New shame

Not just the wordiness, either. The phrasing is awkward and dull as dried mud.


Everyone gets to leave
With a new label.
Some people get re stamped.
I seek a better bargain than that.
There are new engineers working
On the machinery.

Everyone leaves
with a new label. Some are re-stamped.
I want a better bargain. New engineers work
On the machinery.

hopefully you see the difference. the break on "leaves" here, sets up tension, an expectation and a double meaning. "Better bargain" just doesn't work no matter what I do with it, but I didn't want to rewrite it. Words like "gets to", "Some" "get" "seek" "There are" Are just weak, wordy and add nothing



Self-induced exorcisms happen daily. This line right here is the only reason for reading this poem. It is wordy and awkward but the concept is ok.
Sometimes the holy water feels
Like my own sweat.
What do they care if I'm playing the
Role of Uriah Heep.
We're all skeletons dancing
In the mud.

You continue along with the wordiness, the bad line breaks and the awkwardness.

As a whole, the imagery and the idea are fine, you have some nice metaphor and symbolism but you need to focus on your use of words, sounds and line breaks. This whole thing should be stripped down to the bare bones and re-written from the ground up.

Thanks for posting.

milo