06-30-2013, 06:02 PM
no point telling us what the poem is about, now we have no need to read the poem.
the poem has tomes of race hate in it. (reminds me of the zimmerman trial that's ongoing.) you need to do a lot of work with the punctuation. he's, i'm, she's, etc. i still wonder why people cap new lines when there's no preceding period. while it reads as half decent rap. because the trials ongoing, changing tack at the end and saying the jury decided doesn't feels that good. it feels forced.
as a poem some of the wording actually reads pretty badly.
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
the poem has tomes of race hate in it. (reminds me of the zimmerman trial that's ongoing.) you need to do a lot of work with the punctuation. he's, i'm, she's, etc. i still wonder why people cap new lines when there's no preceding period. while it reads as half decent rap. because the trials ongoing, changing tack at the end and saying the jury decided doesn't feels that good. it feels forced.
as a poem some of the wording actually reads pretty badly.
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
(06-30-2013, 02:20 PM)Malcom_ Wrote: I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community. same with telling us "you're first piece is called ..." the title on it's own is enough
"Clearing"
Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing through
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling needs punctuation
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season
now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right bad syntax
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out
Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback
