Sun-wise (Re-post from misc to get crit)

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I cant see anything to point out except that I like "masculine" instead of "manly" feels to me the word masculine adds a stronger depth. It reads very well and has a good rhythm. I think "new" in this line "sleep to dream of lovers new lease" stresses the rhythm. All in all good poem.

Thanks very much RC I will have a think about the manly substitution. Cheers TOMH

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Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I have read this about 30 times now and I keep refraining from commenting. I like the sonics at work. I love the density of the language. I am having a real problem though with your choice to sometimes use articles and sometimes not.

"down from field", "onto leaf", "reclaims belief" in a poem where you use many articles all feel very awkward to me.

Also, I loved the ballad meter you started in the first 2 lines and, for me (and probably only me) I would love to read a version done in all ballad meter (4-3-4-3) because I feel instinctively it might work very nicely here.

Still, I loved the read overall, the imagery and density were fantastic.

Hi Milo, you have some interesting ideas here and I will consider them for the edit and maybe the ballad. Thanks TOMH

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[Feele='TimeOnMyHands' pid='130358' dateline='1372031964']
Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

This is great, the rhymes feel natural, and musical. S1 is brilliant, especially L1-2, but L 3 is a mystery beyond me, it may just be a missing article that had me thrown. Lyrically it's good work, with strong imagery.
[/quote]

Thanks Trueenigma, its ok no one else seems to get S1 L3 so I need to have a look I just cant make things fit at the moment so will work out an edit. best TOMH