Redemption (1st Revision)

[tectak]

Redemption (1st Revision)
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemptionvengeful redemption is a hard dichotomy...ask the Lord!
follows through with painstaking precision.Absoulte gobbledygook. Could win prizes.
Restlessly, immobilization and incarceration How restlessly? Not moving? Incarcerated? Again, intent is not on your priority list. You just like the words. Any words. Even the much favoured by lazy rappers...the "-tion" words. Rappers unite in vocalisa-tion.
suppress your heart-beat with nervousness.Nervousness? Tachycardia not bradycardia!
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the What bloody endeavour? You never said it was hard work...whatever it is. Massive disconnect referring to nothing that has gone before.
uppermost of your mind.Errrr....what on earth does this mean. Sub-follicle?
Yes, it may be awfully frightening ... nevertheless,
the dedication of your redemption is greater than
the consequences.This last line is complete rot. I doubt whether even you know what it means...so I have no chance



Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

Hi Robbie and welcome.
You are getting all tied up in your endeavour. The words you are using are defeating you ability to construct sensible sentences. It is laudible that you use words of more than two syllables but it is better to subdue your crits with precision bombing rather than to cluster bomb us all with logorrhea from a great height.
Can I suggest that you condense the quintessential thought in this into a drop. Just WRITE DOWN what the point of the piece is. I cannot do this for you because I have neither the time, inclination or ability to so do.
Once you have that drop decide whether it is high enough in spiritual content to dilute into a smooth and palatable piece. If it is lacking in body, pour it down the sink and start again. As I see it....no, that's no good...frankly, I have no idea what your point is.
Keep it simple, make it clear, make it complete.
Best,
tectak