A journey went wrong
#4
(06-21-2013, 01:18 AM)TheLittleGuy Wrote:  Once I went on a journey
But I haven't got enough strength from my attorney
So it is now over and done
And all I have left is fever but no fun.

I was happy a long time ago
In a place I did not know
And now I can no longer glow..

I'm standing here all lonely
Waiting for my train in agony
Many trains have passed
But I couldn't get on a train because I was harassed
By something vast..

I tried to regain my happiness very hard
But I end up stuck in a railway yard
And now I can only hope and pray
So perhaps I may have a good day
Because otherwise I will rot and decay
I didnt get the line about "strength from my attorney" I think if you could delve a little more into this journey you once went on that it would be more understandable. I feel like you can use this as a great starting point to add depth to and build some solid imagery in. I really didnt take to the rhyming though, it was simple and sometimes choppy. I think some elements may be missing for the sake of the rhyme. work on it, and welcome.
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Messages In This Thread
A journey went wrong - by TheLittleGuy - 06-21-2013, 01:18 AM
RE: A journey went wrong - by Ela - 06-21-2013, 02:19 AM
RE: A journey went wrong - by MissKiss - 06-21-2013, 05:35 AM
RE: A journey went wrong - by R.C. KITCHENS - 06-28-2013, 10:11 AM
RE: A journey went wrong - by fim - 06-30-2013, 07:00 AM



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